Today I feel like a failure. Actually, it's not just today; I've been feeling it for a while. I can't imagine why--perhaps because I haven't been doing anything worthy of note lately? I couldn't get into HUC, my summer internship consisted of helping lead services and having one blowout fight with the rabbi, my novel idea went nowhere, I'm a college grad living at home with my parents, I'm trying to carry on a long distance relationship, I have no friends here, I got relegated to being a sub rather than a real Sunday School teacher, and I've become estranged from Reform Judaism. Sure, I found a job, but I'm making diddley squat in tips, my hours keep getting cut back (to the point that I have to find another part time job now because I need to make more money than I am), I don't fit in, I feel like I'm in over my head, and my coworkers keep getting snappier and more tense as the weeks go by. The only unqualified success I had was meeting Richard's family, but I won't see them again for a year.
Now Mom is encouraging me to walk away from the job entirely and find something else, but I can't. Getting and keeping that job is the one thing that's keeping me from feeling like a complete failure at life--and I really can't afford to go down that path again, thanks. It's not fun right now, but it's keeping me relatively stable, and I need that. (And I like talking to the customers, at least.)
As for the future--well, let's just say I'm not at all confident anymore. Getting Richard through his grad school will be easy. But I've become convinced that getting me through mine will be a trick, if it happens at all. I would love to go to AJU and become a Conservative rabbi, but will I be able to afford it? And what the heck am I going to do if I can't?
Maybe I'm just feeling down because summer is over and I'm still here. Maybe the feeling will pass. But I really doubt it...and there's nothing I can do about it but keep repeating "less than a year to go, less than a year to go" to myself when nobody's listening. I'm pretty sure I can at least walk down the aisle successfully, provided that Mom hems my dress right. So that's something, right?
Right?
Showing posts with label the daily drudge. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the daily drudge. Show all posts
Sunday, August 24, 2008
Thursday, July 3, 2008
On Finding One's Way
No, I have not fallen off the edge of the earth. Yes, I have been very, very lax in posting diary entries. I've started a few diary entries, but they all turned out to be of the "being an adult stinks" variety, so I deleted them without posting. Nobody wants to read that (unless you do, in which case there's something seriously wrong with you!)
When I started my first year of college, I was required to take a freshman preceptorial class entitled "On Finding One's Way," in which we read a variety of novels and non-fiction books that tied into the theme of "personal journeys." The class was supposed to help us acclimate to college and our newfound freedoms, so that we could "find the path to our desired future" or some such meaningless academic nonsense. Instead, it gave me a place to engage in heated literary arguments with a certain classmate while the rest of the class either slept or cheered us on. (But since said classmate and I are now engaged, I guess that counts as pathfinding in a way.)
Coming home from college has also been a preceptorial of a sort, with my living with my parents serving as a cushy transition to that oh-so-terrifying Real World I've heard so much about. Even with that cushion, though, the transition has frequently been overwhelming; this preceptorial might be aptly titled "On Losing One's Way"--and not just because, when it comes to driving, I'm the world's most incompetent navigator. But after about a month of having a pressing "To-Do" list hanging over my head, I think life is finally starting to stabilize.
So, here's a summary of what's happened so far, and what's next:
1. I took--and graduated from--a bartending course. (To my readers still at Knox, yes, I will demonstrate a few of my mad skills when I come to visit...but only if asked really nicely.) Next up, job hunting!
2. The royal family has a new member. Her name is Judith, and she's a silver 2000 Toyota Corolla with a moonroof, a CD player, power locks, and only 73,000 miles. (Oh, and about 33 mpg.) Next up, figuring out why her fan makes weird noises sometimes.
3. I have a new laptop, which hopefully will not follow in the footsteps of its predecessors by failing epically within a year. Next up, putting antivirus on it so I can surf the net without being in everyone's way.
4. I have a job at the synagogue as a rabbinical intern, which means I get to do cool stuff like leading services and Torah study, visiting nursing homes, and designing/making/scripting puppets to enact sermons with. Next up, making a bunch of phone calls to help organize a chavurah group.
5. This is quite possibly the most exciting new development, from my point of view: I have outlined my first novel, and intend to have it finished by Thanksgiving if not sooner. Because most people advise that one should "write what you know" for your first novel, I'm sticking to something I know very, very well--Shakespeare's "Hamlet." (Yes, I know, you're all completely surprised, right?) As someone with a certain amount of acting training, it has always bothered me that English teachers and professors completely write off the character of Horatio as "a plot device character." Nobody can act out "plot device"--"plot device" is neither a motivation nor a human character trait! Nonetheless, poor Horatio continues to get ignored by English major types. There are prequel/sequel/midquel works retelling Hamlet from the point of view of Ophelia, Gertrude, Claudius, even Rosencrantz and Guildenstern--but none, to the best of my knowledge, that tell Horatio's side.
I think you can all figure out where I'm going with this.
So, yeah, my novel (entitled "Silence") will take the form of a series of apostrophic letters written by Horatio to Hamlet after the latter's death, documenting the events at Elsinore in the first year of Fortinbras's reign and Horatio's attempts to come to grips with his own history while trying to carry out Hamlet's last request. In the process, other characters who survived the play will be revisited (as will the characters who didn't, in memory) and get more backstory and development, new characters will be introduced, and the seemingly contradictory facets of Horatio's character will be reconciled. In short, it will be the most wickedly awesome thing ever produced by human hands, and you should all look forward to it with Pavlovian anticipation.
Remember to wish my mother a happy birthday today...and Happy Fourth of July!
When I started my first year of college, I was required to take a freshman preceptorial class entitled "On Finding One's Way," in which we read a variety of novels and non-fiction books that tied into the theme of "personal journeys." The class was supposed to help us acclimate to college and our newfound freedoms, so that we could "find the path to our desired future" or some such meaningless academic nonsense. Instead, it gave me a place to engage in heated literary arguments with a certain classmate while the rest of the class either slept or cheered us on. (But since said classmate and I are now engaged, I guess that counts as pathfinding in a way.)
Coming home from college has also been a preceptorial of a sort, with my living with my parents serving as a cushy transition to that oh-so-terrifying Real World I've heard so much about. Even with that cushion, though, the transition has frequently been overwhelming; this preceptorial might be aptly titled "On Losing One's Way"--and not just because, when it comes to driving, I'm the world's most incompetent navigator. But after about a month of having a pressing "To-Do" list hanging over my head, I think life is finally starting to stabilize.
So, here's a summary of what's happened so far, and what's next:
1. I took--and graduated from--a bartending course. (To my readers still at Knox, yes, I will demonstrate a few of my mad skills when I come to visit...but only if asked really nicely.) Next up, job hunting!
2. The royal family has a new member. Her name is Judith, and she's a silver 2000 Toyota Corolla with a moonroof, a CD player, power locks, and only 73,000 miles. (Oh, and about 33 mpg.) Next up, figuring out why her fan makes weird noises sometimes.
3. I have a new laptop, which hopefully will not follow in the footsteps of its predecessors by failing epically within a year. Next up, putting antivirus on it so I can surf the net without being in everyone's way.
4. I have a job at the synagogue as a rabbinical intern, which means I get to do cool stuff like leading services and Torah study, visiting nursing homes, and designing/making/scripting puppets to enact sermons with. Next up, making a bunch of phone calls to help organize a chavurah group.
5. This is quite possibly the most exciting new development, from my point of view: I have outlined my first novel, and intend to have it finished by Thanksgiving if not sooner. Because most people advise that one should "write what you know" for your first novel, I'm sticking to something I know very, very well--Shakespeare's "Hamlet." (Yes, I know, you're all completely surprised, right?) As someone with a certain amount of acting training, it has always bothered me that English teachers and professors completely write off the character of Horatio as "a plot device character." Nobody can act out "plot device"--"plot device" is neither a motivation nor a human character trait! Nonetheless, poor Horatio continues to get ignored by English major types. There are prequel/sequel/midquel works retelling Hamlet from the point of view of Ophelia, Gertrude, Claudius, even Rosencrantz and Guildenstern--but none, to the best of my knowledge, that tell Horatio's side.
I think you can all figure out where I'm going with this.
So, yeah, my novel (entitled "Silence") will take the form of a series of apostrophic letters written by Horatio to Hamlet after the latter's death, documenting the events at Elsinore in the first year of Fortinbras's reign and Horatio's attempts to come to grips with his own history while trying to carry out Hamlet's last request. In the process, other characters who survived the play will be revisited (as will the characters who didn't, in memory) and get more backstory and development, new characters will be introduced, and the seemingly contradictory facets of Horatio's character will be reconciled. In short, it will be the most wickedly awesome thing ever produced by human hands, and you should all look forward to it with Pavlovian anticipation.
Remember to wish my mother a happy birthday today...and Happy Fourth of July!
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