Sports Revisited

Dangit...I jinxed the Packers. After gloating about Rodgers' no-interception prowess yesterday, today he threw three interceptions and may have dislocated his shoulder. I can practically hear God laughing at me.

However, we interrupt this episode of me feeling stupid to bring you this breaking report:

THEBREWERSAREINTHEPLAYOFFSOMGWTHCANYOUBELIEVEIT
ITSBEENTWENTYSIXYEARSANDWELIKETOTALLYBEATTHECUBSTOO
ITWASSOAWESOMEIMSOPUMPED!!!!!!!

N.L. Wild Card, baby! Woo to the hoo!

Next up, on to Philadelphia. It's payback time!

Sports

(I realized the other day that I should probably post again so that my readers don't think I'm in some kind of permanent funk. Things are, in fact, going just fine for me now, although I still really miss all my Knox pals. But I'll see them in about a month and again in January, which is nice.)

Up until I became a bartender, I wasn't much of a sports fanatic. I mean, I knew the rules of football, baseball, basketball, and the like, and I'd watch games if they were on, but I just didn't care deeply enough to seriously follow a sport. Now that I get tips for knowing the records of various teams and obscure football rules, though, I follow EVERYTHING. If you want to know how to play water polo, how the Olympic trampoline event is judged, the difference between men's and women's artistic gymnastics (or the difference between artistic and rhythmic gymnastics, or the difference between regular volleyball rules and beach volleyball rules), what "grounding" means in football, how ties for the wild card slot in baseball are decided, or just what yesterday's Packers/Brewers/Jets/Badgers/Mets score was or who the aforementioned teams play next, I'm your girl.

But just as tips were the motivating factor behind my newfound sports fanaticism, that same self-interest requires me to keep some of those newfound fanatic beliefs to myself--first and foremost, my views on Brett Favre. We get a lot of people in the bar who are Jets fans "because we're loyal to Brett, not some hotshot kid who hasn't done anything for the team." That's great, kiddos, but I'm loyal to the Packers, and I want you to stop hating on my effing quarterback, because in case you haven't noticed, Brett isn't doing anything for the Packers anymore, and Rodgers has been performing beyond anyone's expectations.

Yes, I have a soft spot for Brett. But these PUMAs (Packer Unity My Ass) really tick me off. So it is to them that I dedicate this song parody, which I wrote while watching the Jets/Chargers game on Monday:

Interceptions (to the tune of "Interjections" from Schoolhouse Rock)

The Jets were down by seven to ten (uh-huh)
When Brett went out and did it again--
He had no conception
'Til he saw the reception
That the Chargers would score on an interception!

Chorus:
Interceptions!
They're a nightmare
For the offense!
They're generally not the kind of thing you want your QB throwing much,
Or in which to have him lead the league.

You say "the kid" will never excel (uh-huh)
But so far Aaron's doing quite well.
And since his inception,
Without an exception,
He hasn't thrown even one interception!

CHORUS

So though Brett's absence
Feels strange,
It makes a
Nice change
That when we pass now
Downrange
We don't throw touchdowns for the other team!

So please, go take a moment to pause
Before claiming that Brett Favre had no flaws.
Your pure self-deception
Won't change my perception
That Brett was the king of the interception!

CHORUS

Interceptions!
They're a nightmare!
We don't throw them.
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah!
Hallelujah YEAH!

Not the best song parody I've ever written, but it was fun. If I get bored this week, I think I'll try writing one about politics (I'm currently torn...should one stick to the Schoolhouse Rock theme and parody McCain to "Just a Bill," or does he deserve the full-out "American Pie" treatment? Decisions, decisions...)

Failure

Today I feel like a failure. Actually, it's not just today; I've been feeling it for a while. I can't imagine why--perhaps because I haven't been doing anything worthy of note lately? I couldn't get into HUC, my summer internship consisted of helping lead services and having one blowout fight with the rabbi, my novel idea went nowhere, I'm a college grad living at home with my parents, I'm trying to carry on a long distance relationship, I have no friends here, I got relegated to being a sub rather than a real Sunday School teacher, and I've become estranged from Reform Judaism. Sure, I found a job, but I'm making diddley squat in tips, my hours keep getting cut back (to the point that I have to find another part time job now because I need to make more money than I am), I don't fit in, I feel like I'm in over my head, and my coworkers keep getting snappier and more tense as the weeks go by. The only unqualified success I had was meeting Richard's family, but I won't see them again for a year.

Now Mom is encouraging me to walk away from the job entirely and find something else, but I can't. Getting and keeping that job is the one thing that's keeping me from feeling like a complete failure at life--and I really can't afford to go down that path again, thanks. It's not fun right now, but it's keeping me relatively stable, and I need that. (And I like talking to the customers, at least.)

As for the future--well, let's just say I'm not at all confident anymore. Getting Richard through his grad school will be easy. But I've become convinced that getting me through mine will be a trick, if it happens at all. I would love to go to AJU and become a Conservative rabbi, but will I be able to afford it? And what the heck am I going to do if I can't?

Maybe I'm just feeling down because summer is over and I'm still here. Maybe the feeling will pass. But I really doubt it...and there's nothing I can do about it but keep repeating "less than a year to go, less than a year to go" to myself when nobody's listening. I'm pretty sure I can at least walk down the aisle successfully, provided that Mom hems my dress right. So that's something, right?

Right?

Parshat Balak

Because the rabbis are both out of town, I got to give the d'var torah tonight. Here it is, for your edifying pleasure.

Anyone who is at all familiar with Torah has probably already figured out that it contains a lot of events which just don’t seem to happen nowadays–seas parting, divine plagues, angels speaking directly to humanity, and so on. But there is one particularly unusual event which occurs only twice in the whole Torah: an animal speaking to humans. One of the instances takes place near the beginning of the book of Genesis, the other takes place in the book of Numbers–specifically in this week’s Torah portion, Parshat Balak.

Out of curiosity, can anybody here name the kind of animal that talks in the book of Genesis? (Snake) Raise your hands if you knew it was a snake. (Lots of hands go up) Now, can anybody here name the animal that speaks in this week’s Torah portion? (Donkey) Raise your hands if you knew it was a donkey. (A few hands go up)

In spite of the fact that both stories feature a talking animal, however, they are very different stories. In the Genesis story, the snake convinces Eve to eat the forbidden fruit from the Tree of Knowledge, for no apparent reason beyond a desire to stir up trouble. As a consequence, both Eve and the snake are punished by God. In the Numbers story, however, the king of Moab has sent for a man named Balaam to come and curse the Jews in the wilderness. As Balaam is riding his donkey to go meet the king, God sends a sword-wielding angel to block Balaam’s path. Although Balaam cannot see the angel, the donkey can, and she swerves to avoid it, infuriating Balaam so much that he begins to beat her. After this has happened three times, God gives the donkey the ability to speak. When the donkey asks Balaam what she has done to deserve a beating, he yells at her angrily for embarrassing him in front of the king’s messengers. The donkey then points out to him that in all the years that she has been his donkey, she has never before behaved this way. As soon as Balaam realizes that the donkey has a point, he too can see the angel. The angel lectures Balaam for beating the donkey, pointing out that if the donkey hadn’t disobeyed him, she would have survived but Balaam would now be dead. Balaam then apologizes for his actions, and the angel allows him to continue on his way safely, provided that Balaam will only say what God tells him to from now on.

Although these two stories are very different, they address the same topic: accepting advice. Thus, the talking animals represent two different kinds of advice. The snake of the earlier story is described as being clever. He can speak like a human being, and appears to be quite knowledgeable about the properties of the forbidden fruit. Nonetheless, in spite of his intelligence and knowledge, his advice is not good and results in calamity for Adam and Eve. On the flip side, the donkey is not described as possessing any unusual intelligence. She is simply an ordinary donkey; unlike the snake, she is not even normally capable of speech. Nonetheless, this seemingly stupid donkey is more observant than her human master. Whereas he can’t see the angel of God standing right in front of him, the donkey not only sees it but recognizes the danger it represents. Thus, she advises Balaam of the danger in the only way she can–by acting abnormally and refusing to walk down the path. But Balaam doesn’t take the hint, so God gives her the ability to advise him more directly. By ultimately listening to the advice of his donkey, Balaam’s life is spared.

These same lessons apply just as much to people today as to talking animals in biblical stories. As Eve and Balaam discovered, it is ill-advised to condemn or condone people’s behaviors simply because of who you think they are. A seemingly upright person can act with bad intentions just as easily as a seemingly immoral person can act out of the kindness of their heart, and a seemingly intelligent person can act for a stupid reason just as easily as a seemingly unintelligent person can act wisely. As Balaam discovered, it is never safe or smart to jump to conclusions. You may not be seeing the full picture. Similarly, when accepting advice from others, we can easily get ourselves in trouble by paying more attention to the messenger than to the message. As the Torah points out, simply because a person seems smart and articulate is no guarantee that he or she will always give you worthwhile advice. Likewise, just because a person is usually quiet and doesn’t seem particularly intellectual to you doesn’t mean that his or her advice should be automatically ignored.

This lesson is perhaps even more important for us as Reform Jews to absorb, as we are called upon to defend the relevance of our beliefs in the face modern biblical scholarship. Researchers have brought many of the traditional Jewish beliefs about the authorship of parts of the Tanakh into serious question. For instance, modern scholarship has shown that the Torah was almost certainly written by several different anonymous authors rather than by Moses, and that the Book of Proverbs is also a composite work and not, as traditionally believed, written by King Solomon. Some people, faced with these revelations, have questioned why we modern Jews continue to study the Tanakh at all if it is the work of various writers of unknown theological understanding. But to me, the proverbs are not wise because a wise man named wrote them; they are wise because their teachings make sense morally and intellectually. Likewise, the Torah is not great because a great man wrote it; it is great because many of the stories and laws within it contain pertinent moral lessons for our time. If the message is good, why does the messenger matter? To reject the Torah because its authors are unknown is akin to Balaam underestimating the wisdom of his donkey.

So the next time anyone offers you advice, be sure to listen carefully. Even if you don’t agree at first, you may just learn to see things in a new light.

Shabbat Shalom.

On Finding One's Way

No, I have not fallen off the edge of the earth. Yes, I have been very, very lax in posting diary entries. I've started a few diary entries, but they all turned out to be of the "being an adult stinks" variety, so I deleted them without posting. Nobody wants to read that (unless you do, in which case there's something seriously wrong with you!)

When I started my first year of college, I was required to take a freshman preceptorial class entitled "On Finding One's Way," in which we read a variety of novels and non-fiction books that tied into the theme of "personal journeys." The class was supposed to help us acclimate to college and our newfound freedoms, so that we could "find the path to our desired future" or some such meaningless academic nonsense. Instead, it gave me a place to engage in heated literary arguments with a certain classmate while the rest of the class either slept or cheered us on. (But since said classmate and I are now engaged, I guess that counts as pathfinding in a way.)

Coming home from college has also been a preceptorial of a sort, with my living with my parents serving as a cushy transition to that oh-so-terrifying Real World I've heard so much about. Even with that cushion, though, the transition has frequently been overwhelming; this preceptorial might be aptly titled "On Losing One's Way"--and not just because, when it comes to driving, I'm the world's most incompetent navigator. But after about a month of having a pressing "To-Do" list hanging over my head, I think life is finally starting to stabilize.

So, here's a summary of what's happened so far, and what's next:

1. I took--and graduated from--a bartending course. (To my readers still at Knox, yes, I will demonstrate a few of my mad skills when I come to visit...but only if asked really nicely.) Next up, job hunting!

2. The royal family has a new member. Her name is Judith, and she's a silver 2000 Toyota Corolla with a moonroof, a CD player, power locks, and only 73,000 miles. (Oh, and about 33 mpg.) Next up, figuring out why her fan makes weird noises sometimes.

3. I have a new laptop, which hopefully will not follow in the footsteps of its predecessors by failing epically within a year. Next up, putting antivirus on it so I can surf the net without being in everyone's way.

4. I have a job at the synagogue as a rabbinical intern, which means I get to do cool stuff like leading services and Torah study, visiting nursing homes, and designing/making/scripting puppets to enact sermons with. Next up, making a bunch of phone calls to help organize a chavurah group.

5. This is quite possibly the most exciting new development, from my point of view: I have outlined my first novel, and intend to have it finished by Thanksgiving if not sooner. Because most people advise that one should "write what you know" for your first novel, I'm sticking to something I know very, very well--Shakespeare's "Hamlet." (Yes, I know, you're all completely surprised, right?) As someone with a certain amount of acting training, it has always bothered me that English teachers and professors completely write off the character of Horatio as "a plot device character." Nobody can act out "plot device"--"plot device" is neither a motivation nor a human character trait! Nonetheless, poor Horatio continues to get ignored by English major types. There are prequel/sequel/midquel works retelling Hamlet from the point of view of Ophelia, Gertrude, Claudius, even Rosencrantz and Guildenstern--but none, to the best of my knowledge, that tell Horatio's side.

I think you can all figure out where I'm going with this.

So, yeah, my novel (entitled "Silence") will take the form of a series of apostrophic letters written by Horatio to Hamlet after the latter's death, documenting the events at Elsinore in the first year of Fortinbras's reign and Horatio's attempts to come to grips with his own history while trying to carry out Hamlet's last request. In the process, other characters who survived the play will be revisited (as will the characters who didn't, in memory) and get more backstory and development, new characters will be introduced, and the seemingly contradictory facets of Horatio's character will be reconciled. In short, it will be the most wickedly awesome thing ever produced by human hands, and you should all look forward to it with Pavlovian anticipation.

Remember to wish my mother a happy birthday today...and Happy Fourth of July!

What's Cooking--Shavuot "Cheater" Cheese Blintzes

One of my big goals for this year is to become a better (or, at least, more experienced) cook, and begin assembling a personal cookbook of inexpensive and easy-to-prepare recipes which my picky-eater PCE might actually be willing to eat. As I find and test new and worthy recipes, I'll be sharing some of my favorites here.

This inaugural recipe is one I used while still in college and intend to use in the future as a Shavuot chag, or holiday, recipe. Shavuot, the festival commemorating the giving of the Torah, is an odd chag in that it doesn't have much established ritual associated with it beyond simply studying Torah. Just about the only universally accepted Shavuot-specific tradition is the consumption of sweetened cheese foods. As with many Jewish traditions, nobody quite agrees as to how or why this custom started, although the explanation I've always favored is that it is a reference to Song of Songs, which has traditionally been considered a rich metaphor for the love between God and the Jewish people. In particular, Solomon/God's description of the Shulamite/Jews in Song of Songs 4:11 ("honey and milk are under your tongue") is taken as a reference to the Jews' engagement in discussion and study of Torah. Thus, sweetened milk products are eaten on Shavuot as a symbolic representation of the receiving of the Torah (the "honey and milk" in the metaphor).

I absolutely love the super-traditional Shavuot meal: cheese blintzes (also known as cheese crepes). Unfortunately, I can't make it myself--thanks to my lingering coordinational difficulties, I can't even flip pancakes or omlettes, let alone crepes. So when I found this blintz recipe on Allrecipes.com which used flattened white bread in place of crepes, I simply had to try it. They aren't quite blintzes and they feel a little like cheating, but they are darn tasty, and I can make these without a problem! (I did make a few modifications to the original recipe; the version here is my adaptation.)

Shavuot "Cheater" Cheese Blintzes

1/2 loaf white bread
1 (8 oz) package cream cheese (low-fat works just fine), softened
1 tablespoons milk
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
1/4 cup butter or margarine, melted
As much cinnamon sugar as needed (if you don't have cinnamon sugar, mix your own: 2 tablespoons sugar to 1 teaspoon cinnamon will give you the proper ratio)
Confectioner's sugar, if desired

1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Prep a cookie sheet by spraying it thoroughly with non-stick cooking spray.

2. Trim the crusts off the bread slices, and rolls them flat with a rolling pin. The flatter you can get them, the better.

3. In a medium mixing bowl, mix cream cheese, milk, and vanilla until smooth. (For a sweeter filling, add 1 1/2 tablespoons of confectioner's sugar.)

4. Spread cream cheese mixture onto each slice of flattened bread, then roll the bread up (roll the long way, with the cream cheese filling on the inside).

5. Using a pastry brush, brush each blintz with melted butter/margarine, then sprinkle the outside generously with cinnamon sugar.

6. Arrange blintzes on the prepared cookie sheet. Bake for 13-15 minutes, or until the bread is firm to the touch.

7. Serve either plain, or with a topping. Serves four. (Traditionally, Shavuot blintzes are served with sour cream, but I'm not a fan of the taste. Canned fruit pie filling, on the other hand, makes a great topping. I'm partial to apple in particular.)

It's too late to make blintzes for Shavuot this year (it was last week), but these are good--and easy, and fast, and cheap--anytime!

The Reluctant Princess

"'Ah, Princess,' Dallben said, with a furrowed smile, 'a crown is more discomfort than adornment. If you have learned that, you have already learned much.'"~~Lloyd Alexander, The High King

I have always been a reluctant princess.

Can you really blame me? I've never been the princess type. I wear dresses, makeup, and fancy jewelry as infrequently as possible--and even then, usually under duress. I have heard many adjectives applied to me, but "graceful" and "feminine" have never, to my knowledge, been among them. I don't like shopping, dancing, watching girly movies, or waiting for men to court me. And I'm certainly no fan of Prince Charming--I much prefer Mr. Sincere, whatever his social shortcomings. In fact, just about the only quintessentially princess-y qualities I possess are my blond hair and my name (and for the longest time, I refused to own up to the latter). And besides, who would want to be a princess? After all, a princess is merely a woman who doesn't yet have power--and only rarely will acquire power of her own. Where's the fun in that? Not to mention that the connotations and associations that most people have with the word princess (vapid and incompetent Disney Princesses; spoiled and obnoxious Daddy's Little Princesses; frigid, wasteful, and condescending Jewish-American Princesses) are far from positive.

Forget princess, the younger me thought. I want to be queen!

Nonetheless, Jewish tradition teaches that the names given to children have a prophetic meaning suited to the child--and alas, my parents, in all their prophetic wisdom, named me Sara, not Malka. So a princess I am and a princess I will remain, whether I like it or not.

But at long last, I think I'm finally coming to terms with it. After all (my apologies to Shakespeare), there are more kinds of princesses than are dreamt of in Disney's philosophy. If one looks beyond Disney, plenty of fairy tales are full of strong-willed princesses: Kate Crackernuts, Tatterhood, and the unnamed princess from "The Prince and the Three Fates," to name just a few. To this day, one of my favorite literary characters is the outspoken and eccentric Princess Eilonwy from "The Prydain Chronicles" (who, despite her constant protestations in the series against being made into "a proper lady," was made into a typical Disney princess in Disney's abominable cartoon adaptation of the first two books, seemingly without any sense of irony on the animators' part). And the Tanakh itself presents several instances of strong princesses. Michal, the daughter of King Saul, rescued her husband David by lowering him from a window and refusing to tell her father where he had gone. Batya, the Pharoah's daughter, rescued Moses from the river and took him in as her own son. According to some traditional midrashim, Hagar, the concubine of Abraham who endured harsh treatment from his wife Sarah and then raised her son Ishmael as a single mother after being expelled from Abraham's company, was also a princess of Egypt. And historically, almost every Queen or Empress Regnant--Catherine the Great, Cleopatra, Queen Elizabeth I, Salome Alexandra--was once a princess. If they didn't mind the title, why should I?

So, in light of my recent graduation and my impending entry (horror of horrors) into the "real world" of work, bills, and marriage, I'm taking this opportunity to embrace my princess-ness with open arms. No, I won't be taking up dancing lessons anytime soon, but I'll accept lessons in the true qualities of royalty--leadership, magnanimity, and wisdom--from whoever or whatever is willing to teach me.

And who knows? Maybe someday I'll become a queen after all.

You'll just have to keep reading to find out.